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Psychic?

When it's hard to say "I Love You"

I never thought it would be hard to say "I love you" to my husband. But, this last month has been so difficult. I started having really weird dreams . . . I know that I shouldn't pay that much attention to them but, in my case my intuition is not source to ignore. Regardless, I pushed the dreams aside. I would wake myself up in the middle of the night when those dreams came. Bad choice. One of those mornings, as I struggled to put my dreams aside from me I turned to my husband who was laying there next to me. Peaceful, serene, and seemingly happy. I hugged him from behind, kissing his pale, broad, back that I love so much. He began talking in his sleep and mentioned someone else's name. The name I HATE! The L-word, the 5 letter name that haunts me. I froze. I couldn't react. I kept holding him wishing this was just another one of my dreams, another one of my nightmares. Next week, I read my Tarot cards and it warned me of a deception, of lies, and of a secret being kept from me.

The following week was our anniversary. One year married, almost three as a couple. I went to work at the Wine Festival. I read cards, palms, and enjoyed myself like I hadn't in a while. My step-daughter was off to see her grandparents in Virginia. One of my friends suggested she should give me a reading like we do for each other at every festival. I declined. I was afraid of knowing more.

I know he stills talks to his ex . . . wait, what I mean was "the EX." But, I'm sure he didn't stop talking to her for 30-40 minutes per call. The lady has so many problems but, she can only confide in my husband . . . ? Wait, doesn't she have a husband? When I ask my husband about what they talk about, he claims it's about video games!! ??? Come on! Give me a fucking break!!! How many video games are we talking about? The calls are always around the same time. I know because one time I checked his phone. They are all around 10 am or 10:30 am, sometimes later. But, never after lunch time. So, I figured that when she calls it's when her husband goes off to work because it's 8 or 8:30 over where she's at. Mmmh, why talk about video games that early? I want to scream! I want to cry!! I am so hurt that he allows this. I can expect it from her . . . a lousy mother. She's a "serial mother." She pops them out, leaves them with the father and does her own thing. How convenient! She doesn't care about anyone but herself! She will not speak to her daughter, the girl I AM raising. But, she will talk to my man for her amusement. So, why do I stay? I guess I still have hope that one day my husband will see that I really love him and that I deserve to be loved back the same way. Perhaps, I'll notice it first and leave him. He claims they are friends and that he doesn't care what her husband thinks of their conversations. I guess what he should worry about is how this affects our marriage. What if I found a friend, a friend I used to sleep with for at least a year, and talk to him for 40 minutes as soon as he left for work? Would this be okay? Would it be more even?

We went to Santa Fe this weekend. We had to pick up my step-daughter from the airport in Albuquerque -- city I hate! -- so the deal was that we spent the night at Santa Fe. I was going to take the time to visit my friend Katy whom I hadn't seen in 4 years and get to see the city. We have been talking about moving away and Santa Fe is one of our options. The whole trip there was so frustrating. My husband was on the phone, he was mad all the time, and he just seemed so annoyed the whole time. It was the worst trip I've ever made! So, yesterday as we waited in the airport that I hate, for my kiddo to arrive, we were talking about the city. Out of the blue my husband mentioned how his ex, his daughter's 'biological' mother, would love all the Sushi Bars in Santa Fe. WTF!! Who cares what this skank likes or dislikes? She is states away! She doesn't give a flying flip about her daughter!! This piece of megma is a selfish asshole! She didn't sit there thinking "mmh, okay sweetie, let's move to Oregon because (blankity-blank-blanK) will like it here! She didn't think of anyone but, herself! Aaaaaahhhhhhh! I cannot believe this!!! So fuck sushi and every sushi bar. I am so hurt, so angry!

I've had such a hard time saying "I love you." And I wish he wouldn't say it to me. He doesn't love me . . . not like I love him. He didn't talk to me for 40 minutes in one weekend. He couldn't. So this morning, as I prepared his coffee I didn't say it.

Chango passed away . . .

My little ferret Chango passed away January 16th . . . I still cry when I remember how he filled my life with joy and find myself feeling so lonely. I know I shouldn't feel this way since I have family and friends but, then again why not? Chango filled a void that no one in my life seemed to be able to do. Unconditional Love.

Husband. I love my husband very much but, there are conditions to our love. I must remain an important part of his life -- only his daughter may come before me; he should respect me, and above all never, NEVER, take me for granted. If any of these accordances are broken my love will go on automatic shut down. I'm a Capricorn and I have that capacity.

My parents. I'm an only daughter in a family that consists of my parents who have been married for 30 years and 5 brothers. I will love my parents as long as they respect me and see me as an adult. They must respect my opinions and points of views. I was once "banned" from the clan when I protested against the war . . . at the time 2 of my brothers were in Iraq. I never asked for forgiveness and will never apologize on my views . . . if you can't deal with it -- blog about it!!

As for my brothers we don't discuss politics or religious views . . . except for the little ones (Diego and Ale) because they are still innocent and wise. Yes, Diego you are innocent!!

Friends. Don't judge me and I will love you forever. If you do something stupid don't expect me to justify your actions . . . Just because you don't hear me bitching about your choices,doesn't mean that I agree with you -- what it means is that I support you! I will not fix your problems but, I will listen to them and I may even offer some advice (the blind leading the blind).

Chango was the perfect companion . . . he was so much more than a pet. There was no one that meant more for him than me and that is what I don't get from anyone else. Chango was litter trained and very seldom would go where he was not supposed to. He was super friendly and loveable. He loved to snuggle with me and play. We did everything together. We went to the park, the market, my parent's home, to pick-up/drop-off my husband, or my step-daughter. I spent more time with him than any other animal or human being. I know that I gave him the best I could. The love we shared is my greatest satisfaction!! I took good care of him and of that I am very proud. I know that he is still around me but, I miss his whiskers around my face. I see my husband after he gets off from work . . . so tired, so stressed about money. I feel like a loser for not being able to help him. I see my step-daughter after school. She is bitter and she is only 10! She is angry at her mom for going away and leaving her here, with this strict step mother that expects cleanliness, good manners, and at least a 'C' average, plus the chores that she gets to do. I hear from friends who have almost given up on me because I don't have time to be able at whatever hour or whatever day to listen to them bitch about their lives, since I got married. My family . . . mh, if I only did what they think it's best for me -- I'd have the perfect life. But, they can't seem to get their lives going . . .

So, yeah, I miss Chango. The one fuzzy being that loves me wether I work or not, if I'm strict or not, if I'm available at 3 am or not, wether I wanted Barack over Hillary . .. .etc. For weeks I took care of him, feeding every 4 hours an elixir paste that a vetenerian concocted for his well being . . . he loved that little paste. I made sure he drank water after his 2cc's of this thing I would give him with a little syringe. We would play and make time for kisses. At one point into the 2nd week I was so positive because the little guy was running around and playing with the other 2 ferrets. I threw him an 'early birthday party.' He's birthday would have been January 27th. The plan was to invite as many 4th graders to the house and have a fun filled day. With my step-daughters class, and my little brother's friends from the other school, it would be a total success. The only requirement would be that they brought in a $1 donation for the ferret shelter that is in a nearby city. Instead, on Jan. 9th, I made a cake and had my 2 youngest brothers, my step-daughter, my husband and I sing to Chango. We held him, took pictures, played with him . . . Ale, the youngest of the Hernandez Clan brought him a gift wrapped in some weird tissue paper that he found somewhere in his room. Days later after Chango passed away, Ale came to visit me. We held each other and cried.

The whole process was so painful for us but, fortunately not for Chango. I'm so glad my husband was with me throughout the whole process. We had to put him down so that he would not go through the suffering. He was wrapped in my favorite jacket . . .

This is not the first time I lose a best friend . . . . but, this is the first time that my best friend was a totally innocent creature who came into my life to fill it with so much joy -- selflessly.

So I was listening to Pandora.com and came accross this song. I heard it and it made me cry . . . It made me think of Chango, as if he was singing to me . . . .

When She Loved Me

by Sarah McLahlan

When somebody loved me,

everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together,

lives within my heart

And when she was sad,

I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy, so was i,

when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall,

we had each other,

that was all

Just she and I together,

like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely,

I was there to comfort her

And I knew that she loved me.

Every hour we spent together,

lives within my heart

When she loved me.

My fairy name

This is my fairy name with my new last name . . .

Your fairy is called Gossamer Willowwand

She is a caster of weird dreams.

She lives in spiderwebbed wonderlands and insect grottos.

She is only seen when the seer holds a four-leafed clover.

She wears tiny black spiders on her dresses. She has delicate green coloured wings like a cicada.

This is my fairy name after I typed in my maiden last name . . . I think I like this more!! I love winter so, it makes more sense to me.

Your fairy is called Gossamer Willowfrost

She is a caster of weird dreams.

She lives in spiderwebbed wonderlands and insect grottos.

She is only seen during the first snow of winter.

She wears tiny black spiders on her dresses. She has delicate green coloured wings like a cicada.

Neat.

All seemed to go well. . .

The nerve of some people!! I am so hurt and angry right now!! This morning I woke up really early . . . something was wrong in the house. A weird dream had woken me up. In my dream, a friend I have not seen in about a year said to me "wake up, the sky is red." I went outside and the sky did look weird, I thought it was because it was 4 am. Was this a premonition? Regardless, I smudged my home with sage while my husband and my step-daughter slept soundly, then lit some incense. I let my ferrets out to play, had some chai tea with milk, and began reading a delightfully interesting book on Karmic Palmistry. My day seemed to go well. I'm not superstitious, and this would not be a bad premonition, just an interesting dream.

I woke up my step-daughter so she could see the sunrise with me at 6:15 am, and already had pancakes ready for her to start the morning. All seemed to go well.

I woke up my husband with the promise of a cup of coffee. I watched him rise and go straight to the door to poison his lungs a little like he does every chance he gets. The morning seemed to go well.

I dropped off my step-daughter at school, my husband at work, plastic goods at the recycling center, shopped at the farmer's market, came back home and had breakfast. Mid-morning and all was well.

I left home once again at 9:45 am. I had an appointment at 10:15 am with an advisor from my local Community College -- I'm trying to get back in school. At 10 am, when I arrived, Ms. Lopez told me in a very apologetic way that she had an emergency and would not be able to help me but, that she would contact me as soon as possible. I came back home. All was still well, just a small delay no biggie. I called my husband to let him know of the news but he didn't pick up. "he's busy" I thought. I walked through the door and I heard his phone ringing . . . it's 10:30 am by now. I ran to see who was calling to tell them "hey, he forgot his phone . . . try his office . . . etc." and on his phone's screen I see his daughter's mother's name. Nothing is well.

I felt a panic attack coming on . . . so I dropped the cell phone and went for my paxil. I don't know how to deal with this situation. When we first started dating - or when we moved in (-- we moved in together within 4 days of dating, alternating homes for 2 months -- ) I had to wait 4o minutes one Thursday night before we headed out for our dinner date because she called. I should have put my foot down then. I didn't know it was her back then, but now I know that she is the only person he will talk for more than 10 minutes. Ha, he has been observed on his cell phone by former co-workers of mine (we used to work for the same company but, now I'm home) talking to her for almost an hour!!! Now, I know that this is the mother of his daughter . . . they are bound to communicate in friendly terms for his daughter's well being. Sure. The last time she called her daughter was five days ago. And, my step-daughter is nine years old; she is bright, funny, and old enough to carry out conversations but, I don't see her mother calling her. No. She calls my husband! So fine! Be a hussie and eat your cavoli riscaldati. I can see that from her, I have no respect or sympathy for that woman! She has been selfish and irresponsible from what I gather. She left a daughter in one state with her father -whom my husband claims is a "piece of shit." Well, what does that make his ex? Now, she left our stepdaughter with us -- which is probably the best thing she has done -- to move to the west coast with her husband and new baby. I know our step-daughter is better off with us. She has lived with her father all her life, and my husband is a good father. However, my step-daughter needed that contact with her mother. She needs to see herself as loved not disposable. All that, all this, all of it is fine, because I expect that from her and perhaps even worse things . . . but, my husband? Why is he permitting this? Why is he disrespecting me?

I've tried really hard in two years to comprehend and be empathetic to all this. I don't think I can anymore. A dear friend gave me a book about "wives-in-law" to help me cope a little better, and it helped to see all points of view. I know it's probably awkward that some other lady one hardly knows is packing your kid a lunch for school five days a week, doing her laundry, disciplining her, and going out shopping or for 'girl's night out.' I get that. What does that have to do with my husband? Why does she contact him so often, and for so long? What are they talking about? I don't think it's about my step-daughter because she doesn't attempt to call her. I am more involved in my step-daughter's life than even her own father, and I couldn't sit here and talk for an hour about her . . . So no, this is not going well for me. Sure they are not sleeping together. There are too many miles between them. I don't think my husband would do that so, why does it feel like he is being unfaithful? Well, it's simple. This is emotional infidelity!

I've never told him this because I want to avoid hurting his feelings, and once you say something you cannot take it back, so I watch my words; but I honestly think they are not together for one simple reason : laziness. Both my husband and his ex are lazy. If they were to get together again who would raise their kid? They both spend hours and hours at the computer and are selfish. Who would cook? Who would do laundry?

I am not working right now but, I bust my ass at home. I keep it clean, and do everything to keep my husband and my step-daughter happy. I think it's a fair trade off. Sometimes I'll read palms or tarot cards out of home and with the money earned I like to treat our little family with a nice dinner out somewhere nice. When we both worked we were always broke . . . now I realize that something was just not adding up right. I would spend all my check on groceries and car insurance, where was his going? I know he paid the rest of the bills but, what happened to the rest? We are renting a more expensive place, and all the bills are on him and we manage perfectly. I realize that I don't trust him. And he omits too many things for my liking . . . perhaps all those omissions are the little nothings that he talks to his ex about.

So was this what my dream was about? Is this my red sky? No! This is something that is not mystical, or esoteric. This is real. And I will take care of it! I just need to figure out what to do. If this is not a big deal, why does it bother me so much, and why is my husband oblivious to my pain?

We have been married 109 days, and the problem remains the same -- his emotional relationship with his ex. I wonder what her husband thinks of these frequent conversations? Am I the only one over reacting? Why does my husband keep doing things that he knows hurt me? And above all, why do I permit this?

Ferret Love

This morning it was the usual rush . . . Getting my step daughter out of bed, prompting her to

• get dressed,
• brush her hair,
• fix her breakfast,
• make some coffee,
• check for white pearly, freshly-brushed teeth,
• serve myself & my husband a nice cup of coffee . . . lose it in 5 seconds,
• watch the news,
• find my coffee, and refill the cup since it's cold by then
• finally - send the girl to school.

Ugh! Some mornings I just really hate because I don't want to get up!! I am not working right now so this is how I feel productive. I'm sure they can manage perfectly well without me, but I think it's a little unfair they get up early and I'm just sleeping -- which for me it's the ultimate pleasure . . . well, maybe the second best pleasure! ; ) Anyway, the best thing for me in the morning is talking to my husband about the news, about his dreams, and then all the kisses before he is off to work . . . . then it's cleaning time, or working out, or talking to my mother on the phone just listening to her vent; nothing really exciting or truly enjoyable until the ferrets come out to play.

They usually come out by 9:30 am and all hell breaks loose!! There are bites, hops, little barks, barrel rolls, and lots of love running around. It's hard to be depressed or in a bad mood when these little ones are out. I must confess that I do have my favorite and although it may sound unfair, there is a reason for this.

Chango
Chango is a sable ferret who is 7 months old. Chango loves his momma (me) and there is not question about it. He follows me around and likes to be held and get his fat belly rubbed. When I say "Momma wants kisses" he will get really close to my lips and tickle me with his whiskers. We take naps together, we go to the Farmer's Market together and we socialize with everyone who wants to; from children who call him a weasel, or cute puppy, to the local farmers I shop from who notice when I don't have him with me and ask where he is. Chango is not very active and that may be my fault . . . since I hold him so much. He was very playful when he was younger. Then, we got another ferret to give Chango a playmate and because we just love ferrets ever since getting Chango. Well, this was not such a great idea. The ferret we got was just a crack head! We thought he was being crazy because he was re-adjusting but he was awful just by nature. He would fight with Chango, bite us, and was very destructive non-the-less. Within 3 days we figured we had made a mistake and we took him back to the store where we acquired him. It wasn't the same place where we had adopted Chango and obviously these ferrets were not used to humans or other animals. We should have known just by looking at where they had them. They had a huge glass cage that was not clean and inhabited by at least 8 or 9 ferrets. Chango came from another pet store in another city. All the animals in there were treated like pets not merchandise! But it was a little too late and the damaged was done. Chango seemed withdrawn and unhappy. He wouldn't play. He had not played with the other ferret but, now he wouldn't even play with us! Fortunately his good habits did not change. We thought he missed the other ferret. So, we went to the place where we got Chango and found him a sister - Jenna. Jenna is totally different from him. He is potty trained and always behaves well for the most part. We trained him not to bite -- or at least not hard if we are playing with him. But, lately he has been aggressive towards my husband. He will bite him and does not let him pet him, or hold him. He has been very clingy with me and gets in between us when we are really close to each other. Today, he got in between our feet when I was approaching my husband to hug him from behind and I accidentally kicked him! It wasn't hard but he was a little upset. He was laying at a distance from me just watching us. I picked him up and held him on my lap to show him reassurance and he took a 10 minute nap. It's hard to explain the bond we have, but that makes my whole morning so rich.

Jenna

Jenna is a white ferret with black eyes, she is almost 5 months old. She is the oppossite of Chango. She is really hard to train and she still poops where ever she feels like it. She is a free spirit -- her world is the litter box! She makes a mess when she eats, she does not like to be held, or when we pet her. Anyway, she is totally different than Chango but not necessarily in a good way. Now, not all her attributes are bad. She is a little fire cracker and very energetic. Although she doesn't like to be held, she does appreciate other people and is very curious when people come over. She will immediately sniff your feet or calves. She comes out of wherever she is hiding when my husband calls her . . . And she is hilarious to watch as she tackles the dog, Chango, my husband, or my step daughter. Last night we let them out around 6:30pm after their usual afternoon nap. If it wasn't for the cat, we would let them just run around free but we have to have a schedule with them since our cat is a spawn from hell that cannot get along with any of our pets. Anyway . . . We let the ferrets out of their mansion after making sure the cat was outside. We played with them for a while but then it was time for dinner. The last time I saw Jenna, she was in the crackle tent running into her favorite tunnel. I served dinner and after approximately an hour, we realized it was just a little too quiet. I called out Chango's name and he came out and used the litter box. I put him back in his cage and he went right to sleep after a small snack but, no sign of Jenna. My husband and I looked everywhere, the bedrooms, the bathrooms, the exercise room, the living room, the dining room, the den, the sitting area, by the fire place - int the fire place! No signs of Jenna. We even made our little one get up and search her room. Still no sign of Jenna. We were all nervous as we made our 2nd round in the house. I decided to check the laundry/tool room which always remains closed off to the fuzzies because a.) it's the cat's room, b.)dangerous tools in there, c.) too many hiding spots!! So, I entered the room and right away I noticed signs of a fuzzy break in!! I have a small trash can for the dryer sheets, and lent from the dryer's screen, it was knocked down and the trash all spread around. There was a black lawn bag filled with plastic bottles ready to be transported to the recycling center with wholes only sharp and tiny claws could have done . . . As I searched I noticed the dryer's door open. I thought I saw a sock move. There she was a white fuzzy waking up from a nap. I called my husband and my step daughter and we all laughed at the sight!! She was placed back in the fuzzy mansion with her brother Chango and she went right back to her nap.

It is hard to like her as much as my fatty fuzzy, but the fear of losing her made me realize I have been a little unfair to her, and that she adds a lot to my life too. I still think her name should have been Whitney (because crack is whack!) but, I finally accepted her as crazy as she is. She is a major part of my morning . . . I guess you can say she is the caffeine and Chango is the sweet creamer -- I cannot have my morning any other way.

Oh, Lord! I should really get a job!!