All seemed to go well. . .

The nerve of some people!! I am so hurt and angry right now!! This morning I woke up really early . . . something was wrong in the house. A weird dream had woken me up. In my dream, a friend I have not seen in about a year said to me "wake up, the sky is red." I went outside and the sky did look weird, I thought it was because it was 4 am. Was this a premonition? Regardless, I smudged my home with sage while my husband and my step-daughter slept soundly, then lit some incense. I let my ferrets out to play, had some chai tea with milk, and began reading a delightfully interesting book on Karmic Palmistry. My day seemed to go well. I'm not superstitious, and this would not be a bad premonition, just an interesting dream.

I woke up my step-daughter so she could see the sunrise with me at 6:15 am, and already had pancakes ready for her to start the morning. All seemed to go well.

I woke up my husband with the promise of a cup of coffee. I watched him rise and go straight to the door to poison his lungs a little like he does every chance he gets. The morning seemed to go well.

I dropped off my step-daughter at school, my husband at work, plastic goods at the recycling center, shopped at the farmer's market, came back home and had breakfast. Mid-morning and all was well.

I left home once again at 9:45 am. I had an appointment at 10:15 am with an advisor from my local Community College -- I'm trying to get back in school. At 10 am, when I arrived, Ms. Lopez told me in a very apologetic way that she had an emergency and would not be able to help me but, that she would contact me as soon as possible. I came back home. All was still well, just a small delay no biggie. I called my husband to let him know of the news but he didn't pick up. "he's busy" I thought. I walked through the door and I heard his phone ringing . . . it's 10:30 am by now. I ran to see who was calling to tell them "hey, he forgot his phone . . . try his office . . . etc." and on his phone's screen I see his daughter's mother's name. Nothing is well.

I felt a panic attack coming on . . . so I dropped the cell phone and went for my paxil. I don't know how to deal with this situation. When we first started dating - or when we moved in (-- we moved in together within 4 days of dating, alternating homes for 2 months -- ) I had to wait 4o minutes one Thursday night before we headed out for our dinner date because she called. I should have put my foot down then. I didn't know it was her back then, but now I know that she is the only person he will talk for more than 10 minutes. Ha, he has been observed on his cell phone by former co-workers of mine (we used to work for the same company but, now I'm home) talking to her for almost an hour!!! Now, I know that this is the mother of his daughter . . . they are bound to communicate in friendly terms for his daughter's well being. Sure. The last time she called her daughter was five days ago. And, my step-daughter is nine years old; she is bright, funny, and old enough to carry out conversations but, I don't see her mother calling her. No. She calls my husband! So fine! Be a hussie and eat your cavoli riscaldati. I can see that from her, I have no respect or sympathy for that woman! She has been selfish and irresponsible from what I gather. She left a daughter in one state with her father -whom my husband claims is a "piece of shit." Well, what does that make his ex? Now, she left our stepdaughter with us -- which is probably the best thing she has done -- to move to the west coast with her husband and new baby. I know our step-daughter is better off with us. She has lived with her father all her life, and my husband is a good father. However, my step-daughter needed that contact with her mother. She needs to see herself as loved not disposable. All that, all this, all of it is fine, because I expect that from her and perhaps even worse things . . . but, my husband? Why is he permitting this? Why is he disrespecting me?

I've tried really hard in two years to comprehend and be empathetic to all this. I don't think I can anymore. A dear friend gave me a book about "wives-in-law" to help me cope a little better, and it helped to see all points of view. I know it's probably awkward that some other lady one hardly knows is packing your kid a lunch for school five days a week, doing her laundry, disciplining her, and going out shopping or for 'girl's night out.' I get that. What does that have to do with my husband? Why does she contact him so often, and for so long? What are they talking about? I don't think it's about my step-daughter because she doesn't attempt to call her. I am more involved in my step-daughter's life than even her own father, and I couldn't sit here and talk for an hour about her . . . So no, this is not going well for me. Sure they are not sleeping together. There are too many miles between them. I don't think my husband would do that so, why does it feel like he is being unfaithful? Well, it's simple. This is emotional infidelity!

I've never told him this because I want to avoid hurting his feelings, and once you say something you cannot take it back, so I watch my words; but I honestly think they are not together for one simple reason : laziness. Both my husband and his ex are lazy. If they were to get together again who would raise their kid? They both spend hours and hours at the computer and are selfish. Who would cook? Who would do laundry?

I am not working right now but, I bust my ass at home. I keep it clean, and do everything to keep my husband and my step-daughter happy. I think it's a fair trade off. Sometimes I'll read palms or tarot cards out of home and with the money earned I like to treat our little family with a nice dinner out somewhere nice. When we both worked we were always broke . . . now I realize that something was just not adding up right. I would spend all my check on groceries and car insurance, where was his going? I know he paid the rest of the bills but, what happened to the rest? We are renting a more expensive place, and all the bills are on him and we manage perfectly. I realize that I don't trust him. And he omits too many things for my liking . . . perhaps all those omissions are the little nothings that he talks to his ex about.

So was this what my dream was about? Is this my red sky? No! This is something that is not mystical, or esoteric. This is real. And I will take care of it! I just need to figure out what to do. If this is not a big deal, why does it bother me so much, and why is my husband oblivious to my pain?

We have been married 109 days, and the problem remains the same -- his emotional relationship with his ex. I wonder what her husband thinks of these frequent conversations? Am I the only one over reacting? Why does my husband keep doing things that he knows hurt me? And above all, why do I permit this?

Ferret Love

This morning it was the usual rush . . . Getting my step daughter out of bed, prompting her to

• get dressed,
• brush her hair,
• fix her breakfast,
• make some coffee,
• check for white pearly, freshly-brushed teeth,
• serve myself & my husband a nice cup of coffee . . . lose it in 5 seconds,
• watch the news,
• find my coffee, and refill the cup since it's cold by then
• finally - send the girl to school.

Ugh! Some mornings I just really hate because I don't want to get up!! I am not working right now so this is how I feel productive. I'm sure they can manage perfectly well without me, but I think it's a little unfair they get up early and I'm just sleeping -- which for me it's the ultimate pleasure . . . well, maybe the second best pleasure! ; ) Anyway, the best thing for me in the morning is talking to my husband about the news, about his dreams, and then all the kisses before he is off to work . . . . then it's cleaning time, or working out, or talking to my mother on the phone just listening to her vent; nothing really exciting or truly enjoyable until the ferrets come out to play.

They usually come out by 9:30 am and all hell breaks loose!! There are bites, hops, little barks, barrel rolls, and lots of love running around. It's hard to be depressed or in a bad mood when these little ones are out. I must confess that I do have my favorite and although it may sound unfair, there is a reason for this.

Chango
Chango is a sable ferret who is 7 months old. Chango loves his momma (me) and there is not question about it. He follows me around and likes to be held and get his fat belly rubbed. When I say "Momma wants kisses" he will get really close to my lips and tickle me with his whiskers. We take naps together, we go to the Farmer's Market together and we socialize with everyone who wants to; from children who call him a weasel, or cute puppy, to the local farmers I shop from who notice when I don't have him with me and ask where he is. Chango is not very active and that may be my fault . . . since I hold him so much. He was very playful when he was younger. Then, we got another ferret to give Chango a playmate and because we just love ferrets ever since getting Chango. Well, this was not such a great idea. The ferret we got was just a crack head! We thought he was being crazy because he was re-adjusting but he was awful just by nature. He would fight with Chango, bite us, and was very destructive non-the-less. Within 3 days we figured we had made a mistake and we took him back to the store where we acquired him. It wasn't the same place where we had adopted Chango and obviously these ferrets were not used to humans or other animals. We should have known just by looking at where they had them. They had a huge glass cage that was not clean and inhabited by at least 8 or 9 ferrets. Chango came from another pet store in another city. All the animals in there were treated like pets not merchandise! But it was a little too late and the damaged was done. Chango seemed withdrawn and unhappy. He wouldn't play. He had not played with the other ferret but, now he wouldn't even play with us! Fortunately his good habits did not change. We thought he missed the other ferret. So, we went to the place where we got Chango and found him a sister - Jenna. Jenna is totally different from him. He is potty trained and always behaves well for the most part. We trained him not to bite -- or at least not hard if we are playing with him. But, lately he has been aggressive towards my husband. He will bite him and does not let him pet him, or hold him. He has been very clingy with me and gets in between us when we are really close to each other. Today, he got in between our feet when I was approaching my husband to hug him from behind and I accidentally kicked him! It wasn't hard but he was a little upset. He was laying at a distance from me just watching us. I picked him up and held him on my lap to show him reassurance and he took a 10 minute nap. It's hard to explain the bond we have, but that makes my whole morning so rich.

Jenna

Jenna is a white ferret with black eyes, she is almost 5 months old. She is the oppossite of Chango. She is really hard to train and she still poops where ever she feels like it. She is a free spirit -- her world is the litter box! She makes a mess when she eats, she does not like to be held, or when we pet her. Anyway, she is totally different than Chango but not necessarily in a good way. Now, not all her attributes are bad. She is a little fire cracker and very energetic. Although she doesn't like to be held, she does appreciate other people and is very curious when people come over. She will immediately sniff your feet or calves. She comes out of wherever she is hiding when my husband calls her . . . And she is hilarious to watch as she tackles the dog, Chango, my husband, or my step daughter. Last night we let them out around 6:30pm after their usual afternoon nap. If it wasn't for the cat, we would let them just run around free but we have to have a schedule with them since our cat is a spawn from hell that cannot get along with any of our pets. Anyway . . . We let the ferrets out of their mansion after making sure the cat was outside. We played with them for a while but then it was time for dinner. The last time I saw Jenna, she was in the crackle tent running into her favorite tunnel. I served dinner and after approximately an hour, we realized it was just a little too quiet. I called out Chango's name and he came out and used the litter box. I put him back in his cage and he went right to sleep after a small snack but, no sign of Jenna. My husband and I looked everywhere, the bedrooms, the bathrooms, the exercise room, the living room, the dining room, the den, the sitting area, by the fire place - int the fire place! No signs of Jenna. We even made our little one get up and search her room. Still no sign of Jenna. We were all nervous as we made our 2nd round in the house. I decided to check the laundry/tool room which always remains closed off to the fuzzies because a.) it's the cat's room, b.)dangerous tools in there, c.) too many hiding spots!! So, I entered the room and right away I noticed signs of a fuzzy break in!! I have a small trash can for the dryer sheets, and lent from the dryer's screen, it was knocked down and the trash all spread around. There was a black lawn bag filled with plastic bottles ready to be transported to the recycling center with wholes only sharp and tiny claws could have done . . . As I searched I noticed the dryer's door open. I thought I saw a sock move. There she was a white fuzzy waking up from a nap. I called my husband and my step daughter and we all laughed at the sight!! She was placed back in the fuzzy mansion with her brother Chango and she went right back to her nap.

It is hard to like her as much as my fatty fuzzy, but the fear of losing her made me realize I have been a little unfair to her, and that she adds a lot to my life too. I still think her name should have been Whitney (because crack is whack!) but, I finally accepted her as crazy as she is. She is a major part of my morning . . . I guess you can say she is the caffeine and Chango is the sweet creamer -- I cannot have my morning any other way.

Oh, Lord! I should really get a job!!

Wicked, Evil Step-mother!! Part 1

So it turns out this morning before my husband left for work, my step-daughter woke up and joined our conversation. I am throwing a "back to school" party for her and my little brother tomorrow. Monday is their first day of school - both are going to the 4th grade. We were talking about our 1st day of school . . . My husband cannot remember and declared he hated school. I am a proud nerd so I ALWAYS loved school so I remembered every detail of that first day (although I got expelled from my 1st school at a tender age of 5 -- but that's another story!). Anyway, our conversation had to come to an end as my husband had to leave for work. As we said our good-byes my step daughter asked:

"Oh! Are you going to leave me with her?" pointing at me.
"She makes me do all these chores!" she exclaimed with disillusion.

I was shocked to be portrayed as a wicked evil step mother in this story. I just sighed at first and then my husband said in a mocking manner:

"Oh poor thing. All the chores you have to do . . . What is it? Make your bed, and clean your room?"

And that is exactly all she has to do.

"All that work you do and only 12 hours to do it, mixed with computer games and everything else you do," said my husband with his delightful sarcastic way of speaking that his daughter has inherited. Why is it not endearing when she does it? My husband went on saying how I clean every single room in the house and cook, and take care of them and how she plays, plays, plays, and plays. The only responsibilities she has is picking up after herself, cleaning her room, and taking a shower!!

I know she is just a little spoiled kid -we both do this to her. We make sure she is healthy, and happy, clean, and that we teach her the morals and values we share but, it is very dis hearting to hear talk like this about me. It is very frustrating. I knew this relationship was a "package" deal. I knew it wouldn't be peaches and cream all the time but, it still hurts.

This little girl is the life of the love of my life. I knew when we started dating that she was super important . . . and that he had custody of her. I met her on our 3rd date. She loved the house I lived in because it had a trampoline and because her dad had not dated in a while so I was brand new to her life. I would take her out to see the horses to a nearby stable, I would read to her at night, I would teach her Spanish in the grocery store. So what happened? How did I become her wicked, evil step mother!?! Is it because I moved too fast with her dad? Within 6 days of meeting with her dad for a drink, I practically moved in to his apartment. I was, and am, crazy in love with her father. Within a month we all moved to my home after it was broken into because I was never there . . . . She didn't know I was spending the night there until 2 weeks later. Luckily, she loved my house which was bigger and out in the country.

Our little girl would spend the weekends with her mother, (her biological mother) and return on Sunday evening. This always seemed to throw things off when she returned, but at the same time it was nice to have those Friday nights and Saturday mornings all to ourselves as a brand new couple.

As our relationship developed and I began interacting more actively in her life, frustration came knocking to my door. It was hard to be part of a compound family and have things done differently. Our little one would come back with dirty hair, missing clothes, mis-matched socks, and what's worse: with an attitude! My husband, always trying to keep things in good terms with his ex "for the girl's sake" would get frustrated with all my bitching. I thought this was very unfair. One day my husband got a call from his ex (what am I saying -- she would call him daily!) and she was requesting that we fed her more vegetables. She thought she was not getting the proper nutrition and wanted her daughter to start eating healthier. AAAAAHHHH! This was not so annoying as my husband actually delivering the message to me!!

" Well, she can send me the groceries she wants me to cook for her daughter, or send me some money so I can purchase all organic meals that her daughter won't eat!" I was struggling really hard with the munchkin to eat anything else that was not mash potatoes or macaroni & cheese. "While she is at it, she can bring me the 5 pairs of pants and socks that never made it back! She cannot go to school with the same 2 pairs of jeans that I have to keep washing every other day!" I barked at my husband.

I did not cook for 3 days as retaliation.

This was a very difficult time for me for many reasons. I lost the beautiful home out in the country. I made uninformed decisions and lost my 1st home after working so hard for it. I was being really hard on myself, but come on! I was 24 when I purchased it, and by 26 I thought I was making better decisions for my future and I trusted the wrong bank, the wrong loan officer, and ended up being one out of every 170 Americans that lose their home. I felt like a loser! We had moved to a beautiful 2 bedroom house . . . but it was just that a house. Not my home. I really thought that my now husband, then boyfriend would leave me . . . Even worse -- that he would leave me for his daughter's mother.

By act of God I happened to answer the phone one evening when the mother called. We were very civilized and did not quarrel (we never have but once) but, I did ask her to send the clothes back . . . even if they were dirty (jab) because our little one had no more clothes and at the rate she was growing we would go broke buying her jeans every other week. That Sunday our daughter returned with 5 pairs of clean jeans!

A year later by funny, bitter sweet, and ironic sense of fate that seems to surround our family, we moved to a gorgeous home a couple blocks away from where we lived. It is a spacious 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom home with 2 living areas, 2 sitting areas, 2 dinning rooms, and kitchen, with the messiest laundry room ( the only room I really don't clean! ). All tile floors -- believe me it's an on-going cleaning project to maintain but we all love it. Soon after we moved in, my step daughter's mother moved out of state with her husband and baby. I was so upset for my little one, and yet so relieved. I felt very guilty. After a couple weeks, I was just very upset!! How can she do this to her? How can she just pick up and leave? How is this supposed to be the best for her daughter? I would drive myself crazy asking all these questions to myself in the silence of my thoughts. It didn't help that I was told by my doctor back in January that she was not 100% sure but, that she thought I might have had a miscarriage after a check up. My mind went back to the month of November of last year when I had a gruesome cycle that I thought was just very painful and heavy due to Fibrosis cysts. I was ready to explode in anger!!

I've been doing a lot of work on myself to accept that even her mother is part of my family, and that whatever the situation we are all looking out for our little terror. And that if someone in this party is not looking out for the best in "my way" -- it is not my business as long as I am responsible for the time that my step daughter is under my care. It is very difficult!! But, I'm working on it. I am also working extremely hard on empathy. I cannot judge this lady . . . but I do. Okay, let me re-phrase that : I should not judge this lady.

Most of it is jealousy, I admit. Not from my husband anymore . . . I had to deal with that a while back and even now I'm still super possessive and jealous. But, I figure if he leaves me for her, or anyone it's his loss. It will kill me but, it will be his loss in the end. Besides, I really trust him. I hate that when my step daughter calls she will not answer for days, but the minute my husband calls her - even at 7 am her time, she answers. My jealousy comes from how this woman can carry out a relationship of best friends with my husband after everything they've gone through, how she is so fertile and has 3 children, and all spread out in the southwest region with their fathers. And me, raising one of her daughters, hoping she will not hate me, wishing she did not compare me to her mom that lets her stay on the computer for hours, and lets her skip showers, and go to bed late. When I make her do all the things she has to do in this home, I'm the bad cop. I'm the wicked, evil, step-mother, and she gets to be mom.

Power of Symbols

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything on my blog. I got married, I moved, I quit my job, I got 2 ferrets, and now here I go again re-inventing myself. I've been considering getting a tattoo -- but I've been afraid of doing so. I'm not afraid of the pain -- I hear it's not so bad, I'm afraid of ending up with something on my body that I really won't find meaningful down the road.



My husband has 7 tattoos and planning the 8th so it's been a topic that stays current. I always thought that if I had a child I would get a tattoo to represent them . . . Well I had a miscarrieage back in November of 2007, and have not been able to conceive (we've been trying since April 2008). Joking, I tell my husband that I will get his signature on my butt but, we both know that would be hillarious for 6 weeks and then a total disaster. Anyone that gets their partner's name tattooed end up seperated -- at least from the people I know.

As much as I love my ferrets - especially Chango who is a Momma's boy -- I don't think I want to tattoo a ferret on my body . . . well maybe his little paws . . . NO!

Doing some research and trying to stay away from the tribal, fairy, and rose tattoos, to be authentic and a little different, I stumbled accross the power of symbols. I really believe in the power of colors, symbols, and the power of suggestion. Anyway, I was looking at fertility symbols -- I'm doing everything possible before I have to get clinical treatment for fertility-- Feng Shui, better diet, meditating, spells, etc.; when I came accross a pomegranate flower. It was beautiful and so different, and it represents fertility. That image will be my tattoo! I am not sure that this will "make" me fertil but, I think my faith and my state of mind will be on the correct route to this new journey.

Besides, how many women do you know have a Pomegranate flower for a tattoo?