All seemed to go well. . .

The nerve of some people!! I am so hurt and angry right now!! This morning I woke up really early . . . something was wrong in the house. A weird dream had woken me up. In my dream, a friend I have not seen in about a year said to me "wake up, the sky is red." I went outside and the sky did look weird, I thought it was because it was 4 am. Was this a premonition? Regardless, I smudged my home with sage while my husband and my step-daughter slept soundly, then lit some incense. I let my ferrets out to play, had some chai tea with milk, and began reading a delightfully interesting book on Karmic Palmistry. My day seemed to go well. I'm not superstitious, and this would not be a bad premonition, just an interesting dream.

I woke up my step-daughter so she could see the sunrise with me at 6:15 am, and already had pancakes ready for her to start the morning. All seemed to go well.

I woke up my husband with the promise of a cup of coffee. I watched him rise and go straight to the door to poison his lungs a little like he does every chance he gets. The morning seemed to go well.

I dropped off my step-daughter at school, my husband at work, plastic goods at the recycling center, shopped at the farmer's market, came back home and had breakfast. Mid-morning and all was well.

I left home once again at 9:45 am. I had an appointment at 10:15 am with an advisor from my local Community College -- I'm trying to get back in school. At 10 am, when I arrived, Ms. Lopez told me in a very apologetic way that she had an emergency and would not be able to help me but, that she would contact me as soon as possible. I came back home. All was still well, just a small delay no biggie. I called my husband to let him know of the news but he didn't pick up. "he's busy" I thought. I walked through the door and I heard his phone ringing . . . it's 10:30 am by now. I ran to see who was calling to tell them "hey, he forgot his phone . . . try his office . . . etc." and on his phone's screen I see his daughter's mother's name. Nothing is well.

I felt a panic attack coming on . . . so I dropped the cell phone and went for my paxil. I don't know how to deal with this situation. When we first started dating - or when we moved in (-- we moved in together within 4 days of dating, alternating homes for 2 months -- ) I had to wait 4o minutes one Thursday night before we headed out for our dinner date because she called. I should have put my foot down then. I didn't know it was her back then, but now I know that she is the only person he will talk for more than 10 minutes. Ha, he has been observed on his cell phone by former co-workers of mine (we used to work for the same company but, now I'm home) talking to her for almost an hour!!! Now, I know that this is the mother of his daughter . . . they are bound to communicate in friendly terms for his daughter's well being. Sure. The last time she called her daughter was five days ago. And, my step-daughter is nine years old; she is bright, funny, and old enough to carry out conversations but, I don't see her mother calling her. No. She calls my husband! So fine! Be a hussie and eat your cavoli riscaldati. I can see that from her, I have no respect or sympathy for that woman! She has been selfish and irresponsible from what I gather. She left a daughter in one state with her father -whom my husband claims is a "piece of shit." Well, what does that make his ex? Now, she left our stepdaughter with us -- which is probably the best thing she has done -- to move to the west coast with her husband and new baby. I know our step-daughter is better off with us. She has lived with her father all her life, and my husband is a good father. However, my step-daughter needed that contact with her mother. She needs to see herself as loved not disposable. All that, all this, all of it is fine, because I expect that from her and perhaps even worse things . . . but, my husband? Why is he permitting this? Why is he disrespecting me?

I've tried really hard in two years to comprehend and be empathetic to all this. I don't think I can anymore. A dear friend gave me a book about "wives-in-law" to help me cope a little better, and it helped to see all points of view. I know it's probably awkward that some other lady one hardly knows is packing your kid a lunch for school five days a week, doing her laundry, disciplining her, and going out shopping or for 'girl's night out.' I get that. What does that have to do with my husband? Why does she contact him so often, and for so long? What are they talking about? I don't think it's about my step-daughter because she doesn't attempt to call her. I am more involved in my step-daughter's life than even her own father, and I couldn't sit here and talk for an hour about her . . . So no, this is not going well for me. Sure they are not sleeping together. There are too many miles between them. I don't think my husband would do that so, why does it feel like he is being unfaithful? Well, it's simple. This is emotional infidelity!

I've never told him this because I want to avoid hurting his feelings, and once you say something you cannot take it back, so I watch my words; but I honestly think they are not together for one simple reason : laziness. Both my husband and his ex are lazy. If they were to get together again who would raise their kid? They both spend hours and hours at the computer and are selfish. Who would cook? Who would do laundry?

I am not working right now but, I bust my ass at home. I keep it clean, and do everything to keep my husband and my step-daughter happy. I think it's a fair trade off. Sometimes I'll read palms or tarot cards out of home and with the money earned I like to treat our little family with a nice dinner out somewhere nice. When we both worked we were always broke . . . now I realize that something was just not adding up right. I would spend all my check on groceries and car insurance, where was his going? I know he paid the rest of the bills but, what happened to the rest? We are renting a more expensive place, and all the bills are on him and we manage perfectly. I realize that I don't trust him. And he omits too many things for my liking . . . perhaps all those omissions are the little nothings that he talks to his ex about.

So was this what my dream was about? Is this my red sky? No! This is something that is not mystical, or esoteric. This is real. And I will take care of it! I just need to figure out what to do. If this is not a big deal, why does it bother me so much, and why is my husband oblivious to my pain?

We have been married 109 days, and the problem remains the same -- his emotional relationship with his ex. I wonder what her husband thinks of these frequent conversations? Am I the only one over reacting? Why does my husband keep doing things that he knows hurt me? And above all, why do I permit this?