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Psychic?

When it's hard to say "I Love You"

I never thought it would be hard to say "I love you" to my husband. But, this last month has been so difficult. I started having really weird dreams . . . I know that I shouldn't pay that much attention to them but, in my case my intuition is not source to ignore. Regardless, I pushed the dreams aside. I would wake myself up in the middle of the night when those dreams came. Bad choice. One of those mornings, as I struggled to put my dreams aside from me I turned to my husband who was laying there next to me. Peaceful, serene, and seemingly happy. I hugged him from behind, kissing his pale, broad, back that I love so much. He began talking in his sleep and mentioned someone else's name. The name I HATE! The L-word, the 5 letter name that haunts me. I froze. I couldn't react. I kept holding him wishing this was just another one of my dreams, another one of my nightmares. Next week, I read my Tarot cards and it warned me of a deception, of lies, and of a secret being kept from me.

The following week was our anniversary. One year married, almost three as a couple. I went to work at the Wine Festival. I read cards, palms, and enjoyed myself like I hadn't in a while. My step-daughter was off to see her grandparents in Virginia. One of my friends suggested she should give me a reading like we do for each other at every festival. I declined. I was afraid of knowing more.

I know he stills talks to his ex . . . wait, what I mean was "the EX." But, I'm sure he didn't stop talking to her for 30-40 minutes per call. The lady has so many problems but, she can only confide in my husband . . . ? Wait, doesn't she have a husband? When I ask my husband about what they talk about, he claims it's about video games!! ??? Come on! Give me a fucking break!!! How many video games are we talking about? The calls are always around the same time. I know because one time I checked his phone. They are all around 10 am or 10:30 am, sometimes later. But, never after lunch time. So, I figured that when she calls it's when her husband goes off to work because it's 8 or 8:30 over where she's at. Mmmh, why talk about video games that early? I want to scream! I want to cry!! I am so hurt that he allows this. I can expect it from her . . . a lousy mother. She's a "serial mother." She pops them out, leaves them with the father and does her own thing. How convenient! She doesn't care about anyone but herself! She will not speak to her daughter, the girl I AM raising. But, she will talk to my man for her amusement. So, why do I stay? I guess I still have hope that one day my husband will see that I really love him and that I deserve to be loved back the same way. Perhaps, I'll notice it first and leave him. He claims they are friends and that he doesn't care what her husband thinks of their conversations. I guess what he should worry about is how this affects our marriage. What if I found a friend, a friend I used to sleep with for at least a year, and talk to him for 40 minutes as soon as he left for work? Would this be okay? Would it be more even?

We went to Santa Fe this weekend. We had to pick up my step-daughter from the airport in Albuquerque -- city I hate! -- so the deal was that we spent the night at Santa Fe. I was going to take the time to visit my friend Katy whom I hadn't seen in 4 years and get to see the city. We have been talking about moving away and Santa Fe is one of our options. The whole trip there was so frustrating. My husband was on the phone, he was mad all the time, and he just seemed so annoyed the whole time. It was the worst trip I've ever made! So, yesterday as we waited in the airport that I hate, for my kiddo to arrive, we were talking about the city. Out of the blue my husband mentioned how his ex, his daughter's 'biological' mother, would love all the Sushi Bars in Santa Fe. WTF!! Who cares what this skank likes or dislikes? She is states away! She doesn't give a flying flip about her daughter!! This piece of megma is a selfish asshole! She didn't sit there thinking "mmh, okay sweetie, let's move to Oregon because (blankity-blank-blanK) will like it here! She didn't think of anyone but, herself! Aaaaaahhhhhhh! I cannot believe this!!! So fuck sushi and every sushi bar. I am so hurt, so angry!

I've had such a hard time saying "I love you." And I wish he wouldn't say it to me. He doesn't love me . . . not like I love him. He didn't talk to me for 40 minutes in one weekend. He couldn't. So this morning, as I prepared his coffee I didn't say it.

Chango passed away . . .

My little ferret Chango passed away January 16th . . . I still cry when I remember how he filled my life with joy and find myself feeling so lonely. I know I shouldn't feel this way since I have family and friends but, then again why not? Chango filled a void that no one in my life seemed to be able to do. Unconditional Love.

Husband. I love my husband very much but, there are conditions to our love. I must remain an important part of his life -- only his daughter may come before me; he should respect me, and above all never, NEVER, take me for granted. If any of these accordances are broken my love will go on automatic shut down. I'm a Capricorn and I have that capacity.

My parents. I'm an only daughter in a family that consists of my parents who have been married for 30 years and 5 brothers. I will love my parents as long as they respect me and see me as an adult. They must respect my opinions and points of views. I was once "banned" from the clan when I protested against the war . . . at the time 2 of my brothers were in Iraq. I never asked for forgiveness and will never apologize on my views . . . if you can't deal with it -- blog about it!!

As for my brothers we don't discuss politics or religious views . . . except for the little ones (Diego and Ale) because they are still innocent and wise. Yes, Diego you are innocent!!

Friends. Don't judge me and I will love you forever. If you do something stupid don't expect me to justify your actions . . . Just because you don't hear me bitching about your choices,doesn't mean that I agree with you -- what it means is that I support you! I will not fix your problems but, I will listen to them and I may even offer some advice (the blind leading the blind).

Chango was the perfect companion . . . he was so much more than a pet. There was no one that meant more for him than me and that is what I don't get from anyone else. Chango was litter trained and very seldom would go where he was not supposed to. He was super friendly and loveable. He loved to snuggle with me and play. We did everything together. We went to the park, the market, my parent's home, to pick-up/drop-off my husband, or my step-daughter. I spent more time with him than any other animal or human being. I know that I gave him the best I could. The love we shared is my greatest satisfaction!! I took good care of him and of that I am very proud. I know that he is still around me but, I miss his whiskers around my face. I see my husband after he gets off from work . . . so tired, so stressed about money. I feel like a loser for not being able to help him. I see my step-daughter after school. She is bitter and she is only 10! She is angry at her mom for going away and leaving her here, with this strict step mother that expects cleanliness, good manners, and at least a 'C' average, plus the chores that she gets to do. I hear from friends who have almost given up on me because I don't have time to be able at whatever hour or whatever day to listen to them bitch about their lives, since I got married. My family . . . mh, if I only did what they think it's best for me -- I'd have the perfect life. But, they can't seem to get their lives going . . .

So, yeah, I miss Chango. The one fuzzy being that loves me wether I work or not, if I'm strict or not, if I'm available at 3 am or not, wether I wanted Barack over Hillary . .. .etc. For weeks I took care of him, feeding every 4 hours an elixir paste that a vetenerian concocted for his well being . . . he loved that little paste. I made sure he drank water after his 2cc's of this thing I would give him with a little syringe. We would play and make time for kisses. At one point into the 2nd week I was so positive because the little guy was running around and playing with the other 2 ferrets. I threw him an 'early birthday party.' He's birthday would have been January 27th. The plan was to invite as many 4th graders to the house and have a fun filled day. With my step-daughters class, and my little brother's friends from the other school, it would be a total success. The only requirement would be that they brought in a $1 donation for the ferret shelter that is in a nearby city. Instead, on Jan. 9th, I made a cake and had my 2 youngest brothers, my step-daughter, my husband and I sing to Chango. We held him, took pictures, played with him . . . Ale, the youngest of the Hernandez Clan brought him a gift wrapped in some weird tissue paper that he found somewhere in his room. Days later after Chango passed away, Ale came to visit me. We held each other and cried.

The whole process was so painful for us but, fortunately not for Chango. I'm so glad my husband was with me throughout the whole process. We had to put him down so that he would not go through the suffering. He was wrapped in my favorite jacket . . .

This is not the first time I lose a best friend . . . . but, this is the first time that my best friend was a totally innocent creature who came into my life to fill it with so much joy -- selflessly.

So I was listening to Pandora.com and came accross this song. I heard it and it made me cry . . . It made me think of Chango, as if he was singing to me . . . .

When She Loved Me

by Sarah McLahlan

When somebody loved me,

everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together,

lives within my heart

And when she was sad,

I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy, so was i,

when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall,

we had each other,

that was all

Just she and I together,

like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely,

I was there to comfort her

And I knew that she loved me.

Every hour we spent together,

lives within my heart

When she loved me.

My fairy name

This is my fairy name with my new last name . . .

Your fairy is called Gossamer Willowwand

She is a caster of weird dreams.

She lives in spiderwebbed wonderlands and insect grottos.

She is only seen when the seer holds a four-leafed clover.

She wears tiny black spiders on her dresses. She has delicate green coloured wings like a cicada.

This is my fairy name after I typed in my maiden last name . . . I think I like this more!! I love winter so, it makes more sense to me.

Your fairy is called Gossamer Willowfrost

She is a caster of weird dreams.

She lives in spiderwebbed wonderlands and insect grottos.

She is only seen during the first snow of winter.

She wears tiny black spiders on her dresses. She has delicate green coloured wings like a cicada.

Neat.