When it's hard to say "I Love You"

I never thought it would be hard to say "I love you" to my husband. But, this last month has been so difficult. I started having really weird dreams . . . I know that I shouldn't pay that much attention to them but, in my case my intuition is not source to ignore. Regardless, I pushed the dreams aside. I would wake myself up in the middle of the night when those dreams came. Bad choice. One of those mornings, as I struggled to put my dreams aside from me I turned to my husband who was laying there next to me. Peaceful, serene, and seemingly happy. I hugged him from behind, kissing his pale, broad, back that I love so much. He began talking in his sleep and mentioned someone else's name. The name I HATE! The L-word, the 5 letter name that haunts me. I froze. I couldn't react. I kept holding him wishing this was just another one of my dreams, another one of my nightmares. Next week, I read my Tarot cards and it warned me of a deception, of lies, and of a secret being kept from me.

The following week was our anniversary. One year married, almost three as a couple. I went to work at the Wine Festival. I read cards, palms, and enjoyed myself like I hadn't in a while. My step-daughter was off to see her grandparents in Virginia. One of my friends suggested she should give me a reading like we do for each other at every festival. I declined. I was afraid of knowing more.

I know he stills talks to his ex . . . wait, what I mean was "the EX." But, I'm sure he didn't stop talking to her for 30-40 minutes per call. The lady has so many problems but, she can only confide in my husband . . . ? Wait, doesn't she have a husband? When I ask my husband about what they talk about, he claims it's about video games!! ??? Come on! Give me a fucking break!!! How many video games are we talking about? The calls are always around the same time. I know because one time I checked his phone. They are all around 10 am or 10:30 am, sometimes later. But, never after lunch time. So, I figured that when she calls it's when her husband goes off to work because it's 8 or 8:30 over where she's at. Mmmh, why talk about video games that early? I want to scream! I want to cry!! I am so hurt that he allows this. I can expect it from her . . . a lousy mother. She's a "serial mother." She pops them out, leaves them with the father and does her own thing. How convenient! She doesn't care about anyone but herself! She will not speak to her daughter, the girl I AM raising. But, she will talk to my man for her amusement. So, why do I stay? I guess I still have hope that one day my husband will see that I really love him and that I deserve to be loved back the same way. Perhaps, I'll notice it first and leave him. He claims they are friends and that he doesn't care what her husband thinks of their conversations. I guess what he should worry about is how this affects our marriage. What if I found a friend, a friend I used to sleep with for at least a year, and talk to him for 40 minutes as soon as he left for work? Would this be okay? Would it be more even?

We went to Santa Fe this weekend. We had to pick up my step-daughter from the airport in Albuquerque -- city I hate! -- so the deal was that we spent the night at Santa Fe. I was going to take the time to visit my friend Katy whom I hadn't seen in 4 years and get to see the city. We have been talking about moving away and Santa Fe is one of our options. The whole trip there was so frustrating. My husband was on the phone, he was mad all the time, and he just seemed so annoyed the whole time. It was the worst trip I've ever made! So, yesterday as we waited in the airport that I hate, for my kiddo to arrive, we were talking about the city. Out of the blue my husband mentioned how his ex, his daughter's 'biological' mother, would love all the Sushi Bars in Santa Fe. WTF!! Who cares what this skank likes or dislikes? She is states away! She doesn't give a flying flip about her daughter!! This piece of megma is a selfish asshole! She didn't sit there thinking "mmh, okay sweetie, let's move to Oregon because (blankity-blank-blanK) will like it here! She didn't think of anyone but, herself! Aaaaaahhhhhhh! I cannot believe this!!! So fuck sushi and every sushi bar. I am so hurt, so angry!

I've had such a hard time saying "I love you." And I wish he wouldn't say it to me. He doesn't love me . . . not like I love him. He didn't talk to me for 40 minutes in one weekend. He couldn't. So this morning, as I prepared his coffee I didn't say it.